Fair and Balanced (Satire)

So let's pretend I am watching the news in my house because there is nothing good to watch on any other channel. I'm about to hit the source button on my universal remote so I can switch over to the HDMI connection to my XBOX 360° when something that is actually interesting enough to catch my attention appears. Assuming that half the world is like me and is diagnosed with either ADD or ADHD, it would probably have to be something pretty interesting. So let's pretend that I'm seeing a man being taken into custody for shooting a kid and his dog with a low caliber pistol. Instantly I am engaged.

After the extremely short news clip fails to fully satisfy my interest in this subject I race to my computer and double click the Mozilla Fire Fox icon. I spend five hours scavenging through links on Google and Yahoo for more information on the story.

In my research I am able to find out only a few things. I quickly come to an understanding that the shooting happened a few days ago. That's all I know for certain. The rest of the facts I find on the internet are contradicting to all the others.

Realizing that there is no news source that doesn't have a strongly biased opinion of what happened I suddenly get the wonderful idea that I should start my own fairly balanced news site to forever prevent the same feeling I had when I realized that the media was unreliable.

Two days later I have my site which I am paying a small fee for every month in order to hold claims on the domain name and other various internet related subjects that someone was able to charge me for.

Let's now pretend that before the week is over I have already started posting information on all the most shocking stories in the current events. To my surprise I am racking up 400 page views per day. Then for the next two weeks my amount of views each day ranges from 300 to 1000.

For time's sake let us skip forward a few months. By now I am logging on every single day to my website to see how many views I have. It makes me feel very good when I do. Then I start to wonder if I could be even more popular.

Another shock-event occurs and I immediately gather all the information I can on the subject, but instantly I realize that this event varies very little from any other major news story. Somebody got shot, someone was arrested, and nobody really knows what happened because the only witness is dead. Not only that, but I find that other news sites are already posting on the topic which means less chances for me to get views. So what do I do? I improvise.

So the news announced that three adolescents where shot after attacking a local gang member. Then I play my most devious card of all and title my article "Kids, Gang, Bang, Dead." Then I start cutting out the parts that I am too ADD to read, not caring if it is vital information. In the end I have absolutely butchered the story. But I am only giving the facts. I mention the three kids who were shot. I mentioned the gang member who killed them. That's all that matters right?

Either way, it's too late to stop it now. Page views are rocketing higher than ever before, and I turn off my monitor feeling good for what I have done. But after the screen goes blank things still rage wild online. One person copies my article to Facebook, which gets hastily read by even more people with short attention spans. Then they start posting their own versions to Twitter and their own Facebook accounts. By the time I wake up the next day practically the entire internet is convinced that some white man has slaughtered three African American kids for no apparent reason.

Do I care? Absolutely not because now I'm as popular as all the major news sites. I don't stop there. For now on I take everything I learn and do the same thing to it, and people keep coming back for more.

I then come across something that strikes an emotion in me. I feel like ranting. So I log on and start typing up another article.

Uh-oh. Now I have hit the post button and have put my own opinion in. But doesn't the headline of my site say Fairly Balanced News? Do I not promise unbiased information for all who want it? Is that not what I have caused my viewers to expect from me? Should I admit what I have done? Of course not! I still have a reputation to uphold! Besides, I think I'm right. I know I'm right. How could I not be right?

Time goes by and this habit and mind-set becomes my dominating persona. Now every day I butcher your information and claim it to be the truth for your views and admiration. So what if I am feeding you lies? I don't care.

I honestly cannot wait until tomorrow to see what opinion I will brainwash you into having next. The saddest part of all is that you can't either. After all, you can't get enough of my fair and balanced news.